I had a long chat with my mom today. I think I am very slowly starting to appreciate the relationship we have, and how hard she is working on trying to be a better mom. I really am grateful for that.
One thing that came up in our conversation was that my mom was telling herself that although she has done some bad things in her life, she still thinks she is a good person. It’s days like today where I am struck by the opposite fact. I am such a bad person, such an inherently sinful, imperfect person, one quick to anger and such a propensity to do evil. I do not deserve love, have such self-loathing, and yet He has lavished His love upon me, I have been given love so graciously. I deserve no rewards but have been given the gift of salvation. And yet, I feel like I have not changed, I am not letting the Holy Spirit do His work in me. How I long to just get it, to be able to throw off all my sin. How we all long for that. And how hard is it to battle all my pride and selfish old ways.
Decrease so that He may increase.
Psalm 116:1-2 ESV
I love the Lord , because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy. Because he inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on him as long as I live.
But it’s not just that. It’s because He is present even in turmoil, and even in silence He can teach us to draw closer to Him. He is holy, and mighty, and always good.
In the course of five and a half hours, I bussed it to ktown, jumped the fence to get to the 500 DOS bench on bunker hill before getting kicked out by a janitor, walked across downtown LA to have dinner, saw what looked like a prostitute getting picked up by a homeless guy on skid row, and on the bus ride home witnessed a verbal fight turned potential knife fight which involved large amounts of cursing and shouting, stopping the bus and having the cops come in bulletproof vests. What a day.
You would think that being done with summer school means freedom at last, but strangely I’ve still been pretty busy. Thus begins the crazy season of applying to optometry school…strange how the time has come already. Or rather, it’s strange to finally be working towards a goal, after having spent the last three years floating around college having no idea what I wanted to do in life.
Anywho, thanks to my roommate I was able to get a really great shadowing opportunity with her Sunday school teacher who happens to be an optometrist. It’s really exciting how much I’ve learned, and how much I will learn, in just this short amount of time I will be shadowing. On Saturday I looked into a slit lamp into a patient’s eyes for the first time, and it is becoming more and more apparent to me that this is something I wouldn’t mind doing as a lifelong career. I guess this stage of my life really will define the next fifty or so years for me, so it’s kind of scary and exciting at the same time, all the things that are happening as of late.
Despite the busyness, I’m looking forward to the rest of summer. God has been teaching me some good lessons these past couple months. I have much too much pride and indifference or negative thoughts towards people. But our spiritual walks are always a struggle, and God is with us every step of the way.
The rest of summer will consist of days spent in lab, or preparing for the OAT, evenings spent chilling with friends or curled up with a book. In short, just trying to enjoy the last vestiges of summer before the flurry of activity that will start come senior year. Hopefully I’ll be able to make the most of it. :)